8 Essential Tips On How To Be A Classy Drunk

1. Wear Black & Consider Your Drink Of Choice

First, consider your cocktail of choice. If you are wearing clothes, stay away from bloody mary’s, red wine, or any other drink with color. Nothing says “look at that drunk person over there” more than a cosmopolitan trailing down the front of your white shirt. If you truly want to avoid any type of obvious spillage, just plan ahead and wear black. This is what all experienced drinkers do – It’s the dipsomaniac’s color of choice.

2. Martini Glasses Are Not Your Friend

Martini glasses take a little more skill and expertise to achieve, so I’d steer clear of those completely. This type of cocktail glass seems to produce what many call, hole-in-the-lip syndrome. It’s a very serious condition that seems to get worse with increased alcohol consumption.

 

3. Drink Wine (just for appearances)

Some people may think that drinking wine will give you the illusion of being elegant or sophisticated. They are absolutely right. It does. You will look superior to all of the other boozers in the bar. They will think you are cultured and refined, incapable of becoming stupid or sloshed. They are obviously wrong about your character, but you are only going for appearances here, therefor creating this illusion is really all that matters.

If you really want to impress, just order something off of the wine menu that is hard to pronounce (perhaps something Italian or French?). Even if you don’t pronounce it correctly, if you say it with poise and confidence, they will only be able to assume that you did. Now, with that said, don’t forget tip#1: Unless you’re wearing dark clothing, order white wine. But, not Moscato. Please do not order Moscato.

 

4. Keep Your Words To A Minimum

If you do start to find yourself with that intoxicated feeling, chances are, your brain-to-mouth filter is not functioning properly, so consider keeping your words to a minimum. Also, only use words that you have used frequently in the past; you should be able to say these words without as much of a slur. Whatever you do, just don’t try to sound too smart. Use phrases like “yes, please”, “excuse me” or “thank you” often. Your kindness and charm will distract people from the fact that you’re hammered.

 

5. Only Pee In A Toilet

Although I didn’t mention this first, this is probably one of the more important rules of being drunk: only pee in a toilet. Yes, you heard me. Unless you are wearing an adult diaper (this is another issue for another post), any other area that seems like an acceptable option at the time, probably isn’t. You don’t have the coordination needed to master peeing in a bottle or a shrub, no matter how good you think you can do this without exposing your bush or peeing on yourself. Always be aware of where the closest an most convenient bathroom of your own gender is located. (There may be some instances where a sink may be used as a toilet, but these circumstances are very rare, so use your best judgement.)

  

6. Do NOT Run

Unless you are being chased down by a large animal, or worse, a police officer, do NOT run. Walking has worked for centuries in getting humans to their destination. There really isn’t a need to do anything at a fast pace when you are trashed. Doing so only increases your chances of falling. I have friends who are famous for the scars on their knees, and it’s almost always because of the unnecessary pace in which they think their feet must move.

 

7. Eat Food

Duh, right!? I’m sure you already know that eating will slow down the rate at which your body absorbs all of that alcohol. Yes, this seems to completely defeat the purpose, but it will help you in a bind, like when you think you may be leaving the “classy drunk” stage and headed towards offensive territory.

 

8. Be Inconspicuous

If you have come to the unfortunate realization that the fried pickles you’ve just eaten may be exiting your face, go off and find an inconspicuous place to let this happen – far, far away from your friends, associates, or anyone else who can smell, see or hear. I have yet to see anyone look graceful or admirable while spewing.

Now that you are somewhat of an adult, drunken excuses aren’t as tolerated as they use to be. Fortunately, with this new found information, you can still get drunk while appearing to be somewhat clear-headed. As with most things, being a classy drunk takes practice, so get out there and put your new found wisdom into action!

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